He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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