I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
