My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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