And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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