I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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