i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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