im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
