Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
