Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
