it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
