i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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