There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Life is so much better after having sex.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
