i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
