Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
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Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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