What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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