I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
