I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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