don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
