i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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