I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
