Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
