I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
only you would photoshop your dick
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
