I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
