Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
