Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
