you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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