I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
