I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
