Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
