Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
