On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
