So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
