dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
