can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
