idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
