my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
