The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
