if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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