Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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