I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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