Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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