p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
