The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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