Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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