i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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