The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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