he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.