I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.