it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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