We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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