look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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