Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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