Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
