note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
