My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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