Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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