I want to walk on stilts...naked
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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