2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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