Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
