Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
