My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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