Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
