if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
