John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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