I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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